My last post was written in the moment and against my better judgment, but I don't think I would take it back again. Everything I said was true the moment I said it, and it's still true now in some sense, but I'm finding that each new moment of every day has new things to say about what we thought our original thoughts were.
I had a long talk with my Dad today about being depressed, after my mom told me that I should reach out to him about it because he'd had familiar experiences. There's been a long history of family turmoil between me and both my parents, but for some reason more so with him. But the talk we had today was about two hours long and it reminded me of a lot of things I'd been neglecting to notice.
The first is that I live a blessed life, probably somewhere in the top of the top 5% of lifestyles on the planet if a stranger had complete freedom to choose.
The second was that every resentment I have or that any person ever has is a result of ignorance. While I was talking to my dad, I realized that in the present moment he and I were closer than we've ever been before. And that I'm actually tremendously similar to him in ways that I never realized until recently-- the implications of this are huge, because there is plenty in my dad that I admire and plenty that I'd like to steer away from. I think a lot of the things I'd like to steer away from are the things that make us similar in a lot of cases, actually, so again it's hard to completely disavow them.
More broadly though, there is no defensible position from which you can defend resenting another person for anything. Nobody understands anybody, this is the other epiphany I had recently. Sometimes people can come close and your minds can overlap, but searching for someone who will "understand" you perfectly is a fools errand. And when you do find somebody who you think understands you in a special way, don't let anything get in the way of that connection.
Find people that appreciate you, and who you appreciate. And give more love than is necessary or reasonable.
As I said before in that last post, I know what my strengths are as a person. And I think they're really good strengths, because I admire them in other people-- I also think they're pretty rare, not that that makes them better, but they seem rare in my life.
But as a footnote to that, I've realized that another thing I seem to have an abundance of is forgiveness for other people. I don't ever want to harbor anger or resentment for anybody on the planet, and I really go out of my way to try and see the other side of everything. But I'm also realizing that I don't have this same capacity to forgive myself, for any range of mistakes no matter how minor or major. Maybe someone out there reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about.
So now I'm thinking that to be happy (and also "being happy" is one of those things that doesn't really exist-- it's all about the journey and the frame of mind you're in), all you can do is align your behavior with your values as consistently as possible, and grant yourself that your mistakes don't define who you are.
And lastly, you will make many mistakes in life. Sometimes you'll make a series of mistakes and other people will notice a pattern that you didn't notice, and will point it out to you. There's a good chance you'll burn bridges with people unintentionally because you're human, and your weaknesses at that moment in time overwhelmed someone else's ability or patience to deal with them. Their mental attitude will have shifted to define you primarily by your mistakes and not by your strengths.
Never accept this identity from other people. A "mistake" is an accident that moves from a place of impure intention-- we all know what our real values and intentions are, and this is our true self. It's the true self you should seek to identify in people, looking past their weaknesses. That's all. I feel pretty good about today.
Ryan
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