feelings

So it's been a while since I've written in here... I guess it's about time for another post.

I was trying to make this blog an outlet for pure positivity, but I'd feel inauthentic if I didn't write about how I actually felt in here. I have to be honest, I feel more depressed now than I've ever felt in my life. I read somewhere online that true positivity doesn't deny emotions but just accepts them as they come, so I guess I'm obligated to deal with this. Sorry, faithful readers (whoever you are).

I think it's due to a wide variety of factors, but who can really be sure. I think in college when we're all 'finding ourselves' we all have these moments, but in my case it seems kind of ridiculous how long they've lasted.

Earlier tonight I was thinking about who I am, like what kind of personality I've grown into. And I was really frustrated. And then I wondered if most people felt that way too or if it was just me. I guess before I go into the negative stuff I should start with the most positive, the aspects of myself that I think are unbeatable and that few if any can compete with.

I think the best things about me are that I'm extremely compassionate, loyal, and patient. I know that for the people I truly care about (if you're a member of this group, you're among limited company), I will do almost anything within my power to help them. The sad thing is that usually I've found I care more about the important people in my life than they care back for me. But still. I still believe that if you give more than you get back, you'll eventually get back in equal measure from other people who really do care about you. And sometimes people just don't know how to show that they care about you, or they don't know how to express it. We need to be forgiving and understanding enough to realize that.

As much as I think these strengths are great, it hurts me to list them. Because I feel like my weaknesses are perfect counterpoints to them-- I have a tendency to live for other people more than myself, because I have a counter-urge against anything I think is selfish. And I have trouble living in the moment. I think people that are happy have an ability to accept the status quo without question, and I always find myself over-analyzing things and wondering what other possibilities are or could have been.

I'm not sure what else to write. I wanted to put something down on paper tonight because it's been pointed out by multiple people that I've been neglecting this blog.

I guess to wrap up, I just get this feeling that life is passing me by. Passing us all by, really. And I wonder a lot how I can stop that feeling. I care about other people more than I care about myself in a lot of cases. I want to be wanted and needed, like everyone does I think, but somehow it all starts with myself. I think a lot of people that I look up to have automatically realized these truths, but somehow I feel like I just can't internalize them like others can.

I'm starting my senior year at Michigan, and when I look back on the past few years, I really don't know what I can say about them. I'll always be optimistic, though. I've been shown love, and I've always tried to give as much love as I could, wherever I could. Maybe not enough in some cases, maybe too much in others-- but I'm trying my best. I think I'll look for extra help this year. Thanks for listening, whoever's out there. Goodnight,

Ryan