living in the moment

My last post was written in the moment and against my better judgment, but I don't think I would take it back again. Everything I said was true the moment I said it, and it's still true now in some sense, but I'm finding that each new moment of every day has new things to say about what we thought our original thoughts were.

I had a long talk with my Dad today about being depressed, after my mom told me that I should reach out to him about it because he'd had familiar experiences. There's been a long history of family turmoil between me and both my parents, but for some reason more so with him. But the talk we had today was about two hours long and it reminded me of a lot of things I'd been neglecting to notice.

The first is that I live a blessed life, probably somewhere in the top of the top 5% of lifestyles on the planet if a stranger had complete freedom to choose.

The second was that every resentment I have or that any person ever has is a result of ignorance. While I was talking to my dad, I realized that in the present moment he and I were closer than we've ever been before. And that I'm actually tremendously similar to him in ways that I never realized until recently-- the implications of this are huge, because there is plenty in my dad that I admire and plenty that I'd like to steer away from. I think a lot of the things I'd like to steer away from are the things that make us similar in a lot of cases, actually, so again it's hard to completely disavow them. 

More broadly though, there is no defensible position from which you can defend resenting another person for anything. Nobody understands anybody, this is the other epiphany I had recently. Sometimes people can come close and your minds can overlap, but searching for someone who will "understand" you perfectly is a fools errand. And when you do find somebody who you think understands you in a special way, don't let anything get in the way of that connection.

Find people that appreciate you, and who you appreciate. And give more love than is necessary or reasonable.

As I said before in that last post, I know what my strengths are as a person. And I think they're really good strengths, because I admire them in other people-- I also think they're pretty rare, not that that makes them better, but they seem rare in my life.

But as a footnote to that, I've realized that another thing I seem to have an abundance of is forgiveness for other people. I don't ever want to harbor anger or resentment for anybody on the planet, and I really go out of my way to try and see the other side of everything. But I'm also realizing that I don't have this same capacity to forgive myself, for any range of mistakes no matter how minor or major. Maybe someone out there reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about.

So now I'm thinking that to be happy (and also "being happy" is one of those things that doesn't really exist-- it's all about the journey and the frame of mind you're in), all you can do is align your behavior with your values as consistently as possible, and grant yourself that your mistakes don't define who you are.

And lastly, you will make many mistakes in life. Sometimes you'll make a series of mistakes and other people will notice a pattern that you didn't notice, and will point it out to you. There's a good chance you'll burn bridges with people unintentionally because you're human, and your weaknesses at that moment in time overwhelmed someone else's ability or patience to deal with them. Their mental attitude will have shifted to define you primarily by your mistakes and not by your strengths.

Never accept this identity from other people. A "mistake" is an accident that moves from a place of impure intention-- we all know what our real values and intentions are, and this is our true self. It's the true self you should seek to identify in people, looking past their weaknesses. That's all. I feel pretty good about today.

Ryan

feelings

So it's been a while since I've written in here... I guess it's about time for another post.

I was trying to make this blog an outlet for pure positivity, but I'd feel inauthentic if I didn't write about how I actually felt in here. I have to be honest, I feel more depressed now than I've ever felt in my life. I read somewhere online that true positivity doesn't deny emotions but just accepts them as they come, so I guess I'm obligated to deal with this. Sorry, faithful readers (whoever you are).

I think it's due to a wide variety of factors, but who can really be sure. I think in college when we're all 'finding ourselves' we all have these moments, but in my case it seems kind of ridiculous how long they've lasted.

Earlier tonight I was thinking about who I am, like what kind of personality I've grown into. And I was really frustrated. And then I wondered if most people felt that way too or if it was just me. I guess before I go into the negative stuff I should start with the most positive, the aspects of myself that I think are unbeatable and that few if any can compete with.

I think the best things about me are that I'm extremely compassionate, loyal, and patient. I know that for the people I truly care about (if you're a member of this group, you're among limited company), I will do almost anything within my power to help them. The sad thing is that usually I've found I care more about the important people in my life than they care back for me. But still. I still believe that if you give more than you get back, you'll eventually get back in equal measure from other people who really do care about you. And sometimes people just don't know how to show that they care about you, or they don't know how to express it. We need to be forgiving and understanding enough to realize that.

As much as I think these strengths are great, it hurts me to list them. Because I feel like my weaknesses are perfect counterpoints to them-- I have a tendency to live for other people more than myself, because I have a counter-urge against anything I think is selfish. And I have trouble living in the moment. I think people that are happy have an ability to accept the status quo without question, and I always find myself over-analyzing things and wondering what other possibilities are or could have been.

I'm not sure what else to write. I wanted to put something down on paper tonight because it's been pointed out by multiple people that I've been neglecting this blog.

I guess to wrap up, I just get this feeling that life is passing me by. Passing us all by, really. And I wonder a lot how I can stop that feeling. I care about other people more than I care about myself in a lot of cases. I want to be wanted and needed, like everyone does I think, but somehow it all starts with myself. I think a lot of people that I look up to have automatically realized these truths, but somehow I feel like I just can't internalize them like others can.

I'm starting my senior year at Michigan, and when I look back on the past few years, I really don't know what I can say about them. I'll always be optimistic, though. I've been shown love, and I've always tried to give as much love as I could, wherever I could. Maybe not enough in some cases, maybe too much in others-- but I'm trying my best. I think I'll look for extra help this year. Thanks for listening, whoever's out there. Goodnight,

Ryan