I've decided to finally start blogging more regularly, and recording my thoughts so as not to risk losing them in the constant flow that is day to day life.
In the past few days, my life has changed drastically and I've been doing a lot of emotional and intellectual work as a result. I've decided to make a few extreme life changes, one of which has been cutting my dependence on Facebook. It's been a crutch in my life for too long, and as I wrote in my comments to Facebook when I closed it (time out-- facebook actually tries to keep you plugged in when you deactivate by showing you people you care about and claiming that they will miss you. it makes it worse by showing you happy memories and pictures of the two of you together... fuck you facebook), facebook has been holding me back from the happy and fulfilled life that I want and deserve.
So now that that's off my chest-- I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head and a lot of projects planned that will hopefully mean that I won't be the same person at all in a month from now. Or in two months. I should say that I'll still be the "same person," since at our essence we all know each other. When you look into someone else's eyes you can see all the burning potential and all the different aspects and conflicts of their personality with a crystalline clarity that most people can't see into themselves with... it takes a certain level of enlightenment to turn the penetrating gaze into yourself, I suppose. But anyway-
The name of this blog (like my last, more negative blog which I've chosen to bury since I'm trying to break ties with the past and the negativity I associate with it) is based on a kind of metaphor I was thinking up that has to deal with our emotions.
I consider myself a very emotional guy, more so than most. Because of this, I've found myself often living in my head more often that I'd like, not reaching that nirvana-centeredness that results from living in the moment, and being peaceful, comfortable in one's own skin, at home in the surroundings, whatever you want to call it. And I discovered something about bad emotions while I was thinking about them.
Bad emotions are like a screen window or door-- for the sake of argument and this metaphor, lets say that this screen can't be removed. So if you're feeling sad, angry, depressed, envious, you see the world through a haze or a screen, a lens that distorts your reality. Unlike a normal window or door, screens have some give to them (and unlike wood doors, you can see through them as I mentioned).
Now consider you're in a house with one screen door, locked from the outside. The house is the state of your life. Let's say everything is in order- you have money, you have a girlfriend, you have a family, friends, a big car, a huge dick, whatever. You come to the screen door, realize you can't get out, and just wait. You wait for someone to come home and unlock it if you want to go outside, for example. That's one scenario.
Another is there's a fire in the house, but it's not that urgent. It was a small fire, you put it out, and maybe there's a lot of smoke filling the house. Now you want to get outside more badly, but you could do ok just staying in and waiting. Maybe you duck down, get low below the smoke, and let some of it waft outside (through the screen, obviously). So you're still doing ok.
But now imagine there's a raging fire ready to consume you from behind. You no longer have anything, and no longer having "anything" is a real matter of perception-- basically what this means is you've hit your breaking point. Are you going to wait for someone to open the door? No, you know that you can punch through a screen door if necessary-- you're going to get cut up in the process, but you're going to live. This is a state of urgency.
And this is how we should be living our lives-- at least, this is how I want to live mine. In all of these situations, you want to go outside but there's an obstacle in your way. If I wake up feeling upset or resistant, my impulse might be to wait around until I feel better to take action. Fuck that-- it's a screen and it can easily be broken through.
Everything in my life that I've wanted to change, I just recently realized, I've had the tools to change from the moment I thought about them. I just didn't want to take any action. I've decided that my life isn't going to continue that way any more. From now on, no thought or doubt or emotion is going to stop me from acting in alignment with my values, and I'm not going to let myself be pulled out of my center by external pressures, unless I'm in agreement with those pressures at my core. I will not be distracted anymore, and I won't rely on external inputs for happiness.
On an average day, we might wake up feeling like 50 bucks. On bad days, maybe its 20 or 10 (or even less), and on fantastic days, we might feel like 100 or 1000. But we have the ability to feel like whatever we want if we change what we perceive.
Yesterday was a revelation. I was feeling lucid, clear, driven, in control. Today's been harder, but I've noticed myself actively change my mood several times already. I'm not about to stop now. I'm out to prove that thought precedes essence. And positivity is everything. I'm on a new mission in life, starting today. Hope you all enjoy following my journey. Peace,
Ryan
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